“You too have made terrible drunk decisions”–Philly Posts Preview

Hi everyone!  I know it’s been a very, very, very long time.  Because I’m still a bit rusty as far as writing goes, here’s a quick treat/preview of what’s to come.  I found a particularly awful exchange on the Philadelphia page, and I thought you all would love to see the “colorful” responses of the rest of the craigslist community (it’s so nice when other people do my job for me).  Sit back, enjoy, and expect a full critique post to come later this week.

 

To the girl who got plowed in the Barbary men’s room last night – m4w (The Barbary)

Even at a party dedicated to Morrissey, walking in on you getting railed by that dork in the first floor men’s room stall was the most depressing part of the entire night. If your tests come back clean, hit me up. I’d like to bang you back to respectability. 

 

Re: To the girl who got plowed in the Barbary men’s room last night – w4m (The Barbary)

To the punk who made a mockery of my best friend,
Firstly, you too have made terrible drunk decisions. And you too know they are best handled without having to relive them or be put to shame.
Secondly, in an effort to reeducate you misguided patriarchal buffoons I ask you to please reconsider your words. There is no talk about respectability without considering your fellow male brethren. At what point does drunk horny little boys dragging innocent and equally drunk females into crusty bathrooms get deemed un-respectable? I’ll bet you high-fived his ego on his way out before you brainstormed a clever missed connection for that despicable lowly girl who surely invited HIM into the men’s bathroom. The connection that’s missing here is what you thought you were gaining by posting your advertisement, and why it couldn’t be directed to the idiot whose abundant testosterone initiated the act. It’s a fucked and hurtful world we live in, thanks for your contributions. 

 

Re: The Barbary – w4mw

I don’t know what anyone is talking about, sex is awesome! Posting about it was pretty shitty, though.

In the bathroom? At The Barbary? That’s punk as fuck!

Fuck all these haters, you guys rule. 

 

re:Barbary – m4mw

Drunk or not, bathroom or not- well done all around. Assuming it was completely consensual I think it’s f’ing stellar that two people were moved enough to go to town on each other. Very SLC, very Anais Nin, very very fitting of the Barbary. The hell with the tool who posted originally. Bastard was just jealous that no one likes him enough to do him in a bed, never mind anywhere more righteous. Guy probably thinks reverse cowboy is kinky. 

“Maybe you thought the dogs were sexy”–Lazy Sunday Post

Dog Walking Stare Down – w4m – 22 (American and Thompson)

Yesterday evening I was walking dogs. You and a lady friend were riding the wrong way on Thompson. 

Anyway, I didn’t have my glasses on. And it was sort of dusky out. Maybe you were my ex (you looked similar, from what I could tell) and were glaring at me/shooting daggers at me/wishing I was dead. But your bike wasn’t his bike and I probably would have gotten a fucked up text/email at this point.

You looked at me for a long time. I had time to make initial eye contact, feel awkward, look down at the dogs, and apprehensively look back up to see you fully turning your body toward my direction, still cruising on your bike. I might have smiled, but mostly I was kind of surprised by such an obvious display of interest.

Maybe you saw me not clean up dog shit out of the tall weeds and were pissed. Maybe you saw that I was wearing a cream colored shirt after Labor Day and were pissed. Maybe you thought the dogs were sexy, because they are some damn fine looking hound mixes.

You know who you are. I want to know who you are. 

“That small, lanky, grossly scruffed boy-man-child”–Philadelphia Posts

Eagles cheerleader – Jennifer Mooney – m4w (Philadelphia )

I really wish I could stop thinking about you. My only hope is that you get bored sometimes and read these. It was the pre-season ravens game. I had nothing to get your attention. And no way to talk to you. My only idea was to write you a note on my iPhone and throw it on the floor as you was going back to the locker room! It was silly. And you may or may not even have noticed me. But I had to try something! I just feel a little better that I wrote this “missed connection” post. Just so I know I tried a little more! Your crazy beautiful… 

Probability: 1
She’s an Eagles cheerleader. That should say everything.

Poetic Nature: 3
Most people throw flowers at women to get their attention. It’s way more romantic than getting beamed in the head by some lover boy’s iPhone.

Creepiness: 4
Again, Eagles cheerleader. Being in love with her is borderline obessesive.

***

Blonde in Rite Aid – audubon/west norriton – m4w – 45 (lust land)

You in black, smelling so good, I wanted to walk up to you and just sniff your body.BITE YOUR NECK…:)

You blonde/ SEXY AS ALL HELL , 
ME BEHIND YOU IN LINE – YOU SMILED AT ME, I WAS LOST IN LUST LAND WITH YOU. I WALKED OUTSIDE AFTERWARDS, YOU WERE GONE – WOW COULD NOT STOP THINKING OF YOU ALL NIGHT, SO I HAD TO ADVERTISE – I SEEN YOU WERE ALSO MARRIED. DAMN – LOVE TO JUST BE FRIENDS IF I GET TO BE JUST NEAR YOU AGAIN…
WRITE ME 

Probability: 1
Can I get a “hell no?”

Poetic Nature: 2
Your abrupt shift to caps lock and your third grade grasp of composition is not helping your case.

Creepiness: 10
I highly doubt that you want to be “just friends.” I’m not sure what you do with your friends, but I sure as hell don’t fantasize about eating their aortas.

***

Watched your awkward date – m4w – 24 (Farmacia)

ME: Dark gray polo, with a cute brunette. Sitting by the window.
YOU: Tall, Blondeish hair, great smile.
YOUR DATE: Totally awkward, lanky, cheap.

Sat next to you and your date. My friend kept telling me as we were eating (I wasn’t facing you guys so I missed out) about how awkward your date was. It was hilarious. The debacle at the end when the check came was outrageous. If I were to take you out on a date, not only would I be paying with a SMILE on my face, but we’d also be at a much better place than Farmacia. You are gorgeous. Don’t continue on with that small, lanky, grossly scruffed boy-man-child. I hope to god that was your little brother and not your potential future husband. There would be no other excuse for you to be with such a terrible date other than the fact he’s your little awkward brother or you he won a dinner with you in a charity event for some sort of great cause.

“Sometimes love has to conquer all”–Lazy Sunday Posts

I Looooove Jewish Men – w4m

I love Jewish men but my problem is that they don’t love me.

First, I should point out that I am not a member of the tribe and 
therefore not a suitable wife.

I understand wanting a Jewish wife to pass your culture to future 
generations but sometimes love has to conquer all. I am pragmatic
and recognize that people fall out of love and fall back on their 
promises, but sometimes, you have to say fuck it and take one for 
the, team. Take a chance on that one woman that is willing to dedicate 
her life to her husband, be loyal and not fall back on her promises to you.

Sometimes, you have to go with you heart.

I have dated Jewish men and to be kicked to the side for a Jewish woman
cause mommy wants you to marry a Jewish woman is like getting kicked 
in the throat. 

Just saying… 

“What is your next move?”–Philly Posts Preview

Broken Heart – w4m

Maybe some day, I will be the person he is missing.
Maybe some day, his bright blue eyes will be forever locked with mine again.
Maybe some day, will he wrap his strong arms around me finally and allow me to feel what I’ve only ever craved for so long; a loving hug.
Maybe some day, he will look past my flaws and see my heart.
Maybe some day, he will appreciate me for the things I can and am willing to do.
Maybe some day, his lips will only ever want to kiss mine.
Maybe some day, he will find out just how greatly I love him. 

The ball is in your court now. What is your next move?

 

re:Broken Heart – w4m – m4w (United States)

if you get a boob job we can talk about it… 

 

Re: Broken Heart – w4m

At least my sense of humour is still intact. I do not need a boob job. 

“You meant unctuous love, young one”–Lazy Sunday Posts

You meant unctuous love, young one – m4w – 24 (here but not there)

The type of love where one gives only what one thinks one can afford to lose. The type that defies definition yet is refined by whim To submit tacitly is to bathe in the waters of veracity. When one complies passively one recapitulates an antecedent virtue. Then all that was is and what is becomes transient and what should be shall reign eternal. 

 

RE: You meant unctuous love, young one – m4w – 24 (here but not there) – w4m

barf 

“You walk slow because you have huge thighs”–Seattle Posts

u-motorcycle/me changing clothes sun am in car! – w4m – 45 (sw ferry/9/11/11)

i was changing into my running clothes for iron girl 5k on sunday, 9-11-11—you “hid your eyes” but not really! hahahahhaha…it was so funny! i was so tired from the nite before i wasn’t even thinking! and OMG you were the cutest thing i’ve ever seen on your motorcycle! this is a total stab in the dark, but if it’s you…please come say hi! i thought i saw a wedding ring…ugh…

Probability: 5
Either he couldn’t stop staring because you are one hot runner or because he was so horrified that he couldn’t look away. There’s also that wedding ring…

Poetic Nature: 1
Lady, you are 45 years old. Stop typing like a preteen, it’s unseemly.

Creepiness: 3
She wasn’t trying to overtly trying to expose herself. Or was she?… haha no, it was definitely accidental.

***

Why why why – w4m

I know it’s silly but I can’t be attracted to someone who misspells everything and abuses apostrophes. What’s the deal with that? Didn’t you pass 3rd grade? I mean I want to like you, you seem great, but I can’t take your texts/emails seriously when it feels as if I’m communicating with a 9 year old. I would never let one of my employees get away with that level of sloppiness. I’m embarrassed for you.
How do I tell you without hurting you?

Probability: 3
They do say opposites attract. Then again, they don’t say anything about opposites staying together. Better let him down gently.

Poetic Nature: 7
You deserve a Wordsworth for a mate, not a high school dropout. I would love to see the sort of messages he sends to your inbox, though.

Creepiness: 1
Not only can you spell, you’re also not a crazy stalker/sex fiend/homicidal maniac. Good job.

***

Pear-shaped women /I saw you Monday night at 11:40pm – m4w (3rd Avenue and James)

I see you some Monday nights at about 11:40pm

I saw you again, tonight, Monday, 9/12/11
You were wearing a white shirt and dark pants.

I honked my horn and waved to you. You waved back. If you remember
this-you will know who I am.

You walk slowly because you have huge thighs. You waddle. It’s very cute.
You have a great big bubble butt.
Your hair is dark and you wear it short.
You wear eyeglasses.
Also, the one thing that makes you really cute, is your freakishly
big, bent nose. I love your nose!!

A couple of years ago, I saw you on the 174. You got on in
Federal Way. I gave you my contact information and you never
called me. Disappointed. At that time, you said that you were working
or had worked as a sucurity guard.

I want to be your boyfriend!!!!

“You’ll probably never read this”–Return to Sender Posts

So, today’s theme highlights a few posters that have decided to take the most roundabout way possible to find someone.

Cute guy at the Smyrna Pet Smart Looking at Kitty Litter PetSmart – w4m – 38 (Smyrna)

My best friend met a guy at the Smyrna PetSmart yesterday (Sunday August 15). They chatted in the kitty litter aisle. They both have 2 cats. He lives in an apartment. She just told me that she is kicking herself over having NOT given him her number. She said he was adorable and she cannot get him out of her mind. If you could be him, or if you know any guys who live in apartments and have two cats who may have gone to the Smyrna Pet Smart, please contact me! He will need to describe my friend and something about the conversation in order for me to provide her info. 

Probability: 1

Seriously? Is this high school?  “Like, omg, my friend thinks you’re like, cute and stuff.  You should totally give me your number so I can give it to her.”  Yeah…I don’t think a grown man will go for that.  Even one with 2 cats…

Poetic Nature: 3

This sounds like one of the most boring romantic encounters ever. I like cats too, but I don’t find conversations about their toilet habits to be titillating.

Creepiness: 5

Um, why are you posting for your friend again? She’s a grown woman, not your 16-year-old daughter.

***

Thanks for the water bottle! – w4m – 37 (the transition area)

I completely forgot both of my water bottles this morning and thought I was doomed because there was no way I’d be able to finish my bike ride without them. When you heard me cuss, you handed me your water bottle full of water. That was just really nice, and I wanted to say thanks.

Yeah, I’m a guy, but I’m posting in the W4M section because I know you probably wouldn’t read the M4M section, and you’re more likely to see this here. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you. You saved the day for me, and that was a big deal. Thank you! I hope your race went well. 

Probability: 7
For once, someone is being strategic here. Bravo sir.

Poetic Nature: 4
A few run-on sentences here, but otherwise it’s clear enough what he’s saying. At least it’s not in all caps…

Creepiness: 3
It’s weird that he’s pretending to be a chick, but there doesn’t seem to be any horrible, ulterior motive.

***

It’s hard enough to find people on craigslist, let alone cats…

Missing squeaky (m4c)

I used to see you twice a week in the evenings hanging out on the steps. But now you are gone. I hope nothing bad happened to you and I hope one day we’ll meet up again! It was a nice little bonus to my day-hanging out for a little while before we both went our separate ways. Of course I realize you’ll probably never read this because…well you’re a cat. Anyhow I hope you weren’t hit by a car or killed by some cat-hating psychopath or anything. 

“Give me a little close up show”–Lazy Sunday Post

Forest Preserve Fun – 35 (Dundee-Carpentersville)

I was enjoying a nice afternoon at a Forest Preserve near Randall Road between 2:30 and 4:00 this afternoon. First the male showed up then the Lady came in her own car. She joined him in his car. You must of gave it to her good with your hand because I could hear her screams of pleasure. I think you were enjoying knowing that I was paying some attention to you two. You two got out for a walk and I kept a view of you in my mirrors. I would of loved to have a close up view of your fun or maybe join in but did not know how you would react to me getting too close.

If you would like to put on a show again sometime I would love to watch.

If this lovely couple was you please tell me what type of car I was in and what forest preserve and in return I will tell you what she was wearing.

I am not sure if you will see this but I sure hope you do and would like to give me a little close up show. 

“An accidental Marilyn-over-the-heating-grate effect”–Austin Posts

Your dress was see-thru – m4w (Whole Foods Lamar)

I told you that your dress was see through in regards to you underwear. At the time I was just trying to be helpful, but then I realized I should have offered to take you to dinner. One as a way to prove I’m not really creepy just doing what I would hope someone would do for me and two because I thought you were pretty and really genuine when you responded to me. Don’t know if you read this but it was worth the shot. 

Probability: 5
It’s always difficult to tell a random stranger something embarrassing (I had to tell a woman on a crowded elevator once that she had toilet paper sticking out of her pants), so there’s some honor in that. Whether or not she thanks you for it varies.

Poetic Nature: 4
Didn’t your 5th grade teacher tell you to avoid run-on sentences?

Creepiness: 6
“Hey baby, your panties are showing. Wanna have dinner with me?” Um…no.

***

Seven Year Itch moment at the ATM – w4m – 27 (Hyde Park)

I was depositing my paycheck at the ATM late Saturday afternoon when a gust of wind gave me an accidental Marilyn-over-the-heating-grate effect. You pulled up on a motorcycle before I could get my skirts all under control. You seemed . . . interested? (Or maybe you were just giving me a disapproving glance for looking like a hussy at the bank.) Either way, you looked pretty cute on your vintage bike. 

If you’re interested, tell me which bank we were at so I know you’re for real. 

Probability: 6
She may not be sure if he enjoyed her impromptu Marylin moment, but as we saw in the previous post, most men seem to like this sort of thing.

Poetic Nature: 5
She knows grammar and vintage movies. Sounds like a keeper.

Creepiness: 4
She wasn’t actively trying to flash him (or anyone for that matter), so this is only mildly disturbing.

***

Here is one man’s (hilarious) reaction to the recent Texas wildfires:
wildfire (central texas)

You: ragin’ hot wildfire, leaping highways and rivers, threatening land that’s been in my family for more than a century, eating up homes and forcing folks to evacuate, filling up the air with smoke, wearing out firefighters, and generally causing mayhem.

Me: ragin’ hot redhead, listening to the news and loading and re-loading wildfire maps on my computer.

You know what, wildfire? I don’t like your kind. I no longer recognize you as one of the elements. You’re out, you hear me? Done. Kaput. I’m going to call that band up and make them change their name to “Earth, Wind & MOTHER$#&%ing WATER,” and then I’m going to rock out to “September” and, after the firefighters have hosed down your sorry ass, I’m going to drive out 71 and stomp on your ashes.